WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Fearing a humiliating midterm defeat in Texas, on Monday a desperate Donald J. Trump attempted to return the state to Texas. Amid news that Texas would no longer be a part of the US, spontaneous celebrations broke out on the streets of Austin. Meanwhile, the populations of Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, and New Mexico demanded that a new border wall be built to keep Texans out of their states, “and make Texas pay for it,” they said. In Mexico, President Claudia Sheinbaum said she would accept the return of Texas “as long as it doesn’t include Paxton and Abbott.” The Private Haiku Journal of Pete HegsethTBR has obtained Pete Hegseth’s top-secret poetry journal! You can read his shocking poems here.© 2026 Andy Borowitz |